7 months ago, I was still up at this time. Trying to cover my mouth so no one can hear my sobs. Bloodshot eyes. Runny nose. Crumpled sheets and wet pillows. While I browse through our pictures together trying to get a grip of what was once mine. Re-reading old conversations and wondering how it went wrong. Smelling your used shirts trying to sniff a saved scent of you.
I look at the mirror and ask myself, do I deserve this? Do I deserve this pounding pain in my chest that keeps me from falling asleep every night? Is this what I get for giving everything I have? All I did was love you. Love you more than anything else in this world. And maybe I was wrong. Wrong to think that you’ll do the same for me.
I was a mess. Broken. Wrecked. Beyond repair. I didn’t know what to do. Where to go and how to continue living without you. You were the reason why I continue living and when you’re gone, what’s left to fight for? I lost myself in the process of making you whole. And I didn’t regret that. I never regret any minute of my life trying to get you into your feet. But 7 months ago, I needed you to do the same with me but you weren’t there.
Life without Y O U
I was just living. I wake up crying, hoping to receive a good morning text from you. I walk to school thinking about you, are you already up? did you wake up late again? I go to class, laugh with my friends, tell them everything’s fine but while I walk out of school, I was hoping you’ll be there, waiting for me with a bouquet of roses asking me to take you back. But no, you’re not. So when I arrive home, exhausted from all the fake smiles and laughs i made so that no one can be aware about what’s really happening with me, I lay in my bed and cry again. Because a year ago, I was out with you. Wandering around the streets of Manila, eating anywhere we want. Sharing stories about how our day went. I tried to be be rational but every single detail of the things i have, reminded me of you. Whenever i get out of my bed, i was wishing that you’re outside of my door, ready to give me your tightest hug with McDonald’s on your hands. But still, no shadows of you from the walls. And so, midnight came. I was trying to fall asleep when of course my lovely brain would reminisce about every detail, every memory we had and it brings back all the pain again. Every what ifs are trying to pop into my mind and I want them to be answered!
What if you stayed? What if you choose to fight for me, for us? What if we try again? What if .. What if..
7 months ago, I was a zombie. Trying to formulate my reactions to save everyone close to me, a drama that I know they cant handle. Trying to live a life I didn’t know want to continue anymore. Trying to find reasons why this is happening to me. Trying to understand why things didn’t work out. Trying to get back with you. And, I was hoping that when I close my eyes, no tomorrow would await for me anymore.
I did everything I can but it seems like, its still never good enough. You’re done and that’s just that. But how about me? What about our plans? You were selfish. You only thought about yourself. We were a team, remember? We got each other’s back. But you let go. You let me and everything we had go in a just a blink of an eye. How could you do that? But I wasn’t mad. I should but I was not. Because I loved you so much. So much that even if it feels like there’s a knife continue stabbing my heart, my love for you would still be enough to not mind the pain.
Exactly 3:00 am, September 15, 2016.
Reminiscing about it all over again makes me want to laugh at myself. I was dumb, wasn’t I? I lost myself. And 7 months after, I got her back. It was a roller coaster of a ride. Full of downs. But i’m enjoying the top view right now. Thinking about it in this moment, makes me realized things.
Loving someone is a lifetime work. You don’t just love them when they’re fun and everything nice. Real love is staying with them through the rock bottom and supporting them whatever decisions they make, even if that means leaving your life forever.
Getting over someone is a dreadful process. There are times when you feel like the whole world is trying to get everything from you. There are also times when you feel like everything’s okay but when you’re all alone, it gets back to you and break you more. But that’s how it goes. You have to learn how to live with the pain. Swallow it. Cry if you must. Stress eat if you feel to. Travel if that’s what you need. Do all sorts of things that you think can make you feel better. But never ever stop living your life. It’s an overrated line but trust me “it gets better over time”. Because you don’t really get over with the someone. No matter how long it was, or painful it got you. If love was real, it will always stay inside of you. Lingering into the deepest oceans of your system. May or may not affect you but eventually, you’ll learn how to control and live a normal life with it.
N O W
Every morning I thank the Lord that I still get the chance to see another morning. 7 months ago me would have this tiny feeling inside of her that wants to vanish. To leave everything behind. To forget who she was, and everyone around her. And i’m glad she didn’t. Because 7 months after her, it’s full of colors. Everyone and everything around her is happiness, and i’m cheerful that we’re both still here to see this. To see the pot of gold on the end of the rainbow that only shows itself after every rain.