I really don’t know how to start this. I don’t what to say or how to express how I feel because honestly, I feel nothing and my thoughts have been scattered since then. Losing you is hard. The kind of hard that keeps on bugging my head from time to time, asking the questions that have already been answered but keeps on popping on my mind, begging to be answered again. Maybe I was… or maybe I’m still hoping that your answers might change. Or… maybe I can change it.
It hasn’t been long since I last held your hands. Since I last felt the warmth of your hugs. Since my lips last feel your kiss. I miss you so much. The kind of miss that wants to just run into you and hug you so tight while I beg for you to come back. But I don’t even that choice right now.
Seeing you every day makes it even harder. Looking at you smiling, laughing with your friends or even sharing stories with them make me so jealous. Because it hasn’t been that long when all those smiles and laughter are because of me. It hasn’t been that long when all those stories have been experienced with me or shared with me, first.
Every memory you left with me is still running through my mind like it only happened yesterday. It really happened so fast. So fast that I can’t still get over with everything that has happened.
WHEN I FIRST MET YOU
It was the first day of class. Psych class to be exact. You were sitting on the front seats, playing something on your iPad while our professor is trying to arrange our seats. I don’t actually like you that time. It was a simple crush because you were too cute… almost as cute as a kid. A month passed when we were asked to make a case study about middle childhood and it happened that you became one of my groupmates. It was destiny maybe, we became closer since that day.
We hangout every day, shared stories about our lives and tried new things. We were compatible as friends. Nope, best friend is the right term. I, who’s the crazy one, the over dramatic girl who overthinks every little thing and makes irrational and indecisive decisions as long as I’m happy partnered to the guy, who’s the sane one, the rational guy who hates drama, who always think through his decisions and don’t make unnecessary things that can’t help him in his life. We were opposites and it’s funny how it made us clicked. The set-up was fun. I tell a story, you give me advises… more like scold me and slap me with your “to be honest” lines. It was really fun. It was like giving each other what we both have.
It was fun until feelings get involved. Until emotions got attached and we have no choice but to face the consequences. I fell for you, and you did too.
October 3, 2016.
The day you told me you liked me. It was the best phrase that I’ve heard from you. I was frightened and happy at the same time. Well, who doesn’t? I’ve never imagined being with the guy I liked. It was one hell of a ride. But the happiness overpowers the pain. It was going well until our differences get the best of us. We let it broke us. And It hurts that we both choose to hurt each other than let ourselves be in pain.
Being with you is one of the happiest moments in my life. We were like yin and yang. Positive and negative. I give life to the darkest parts of you while you give control on the satiated parts of me. You never get tired of listening to my stories, always ready to go wherever I want to. It was indeed a fairytale.
When we officially ended whatever relationship we have, it feels like nothing. Like nothing happened. Maybe, even though I was stuck in my fairytale, I was aware that sooner or later this thing won’t work. I was afraid. I’ve been through a lot. And thinking that this thing will fail is always a variable. Maybe I was aware that sooner or later you’ll realize that this is not worth your time or that you just never loved me.
I was okay for the whole Christmas vacation. It was the kind of break that helped me heal and love myself more. But I wasn’t prepared to see you on the first day of class. I wasn’t prepared that feelings will rush back the moment our eyes met. I wasn’t aware that the love I feel is real and maybe yours is not.
I was okay. I understand that some people lose their feelings and time is not a matter to consider. But it hurts knowing in the small span of time, you chose to just forget about the feelings we shared. Am I that not worthy?
I’m ready to let you go. That’s what I keep on telling myself. But, am I?
Looking into the future, am I really ready to be not a part of your life when all I have ever wanted is to be with you in every step you take, supporting you and loving you while you reach for the dreams you have?
I keep on suppressing these feelings because I know you enough. I know you enough that this is nothing for you anymore.
I know that you don’t love me anymore. But hearing right from your mouth hurts more. It felt real. It felt so real. Like there’s no turning back.
I miss you. I miss the conversations we always have.
I keep on asking myself, why do you have to lie to me?
Am I not worth the truth?
Am I that irrational for you to choose to lie to me and hurt me just to teach me a lesson?
Why did you choose to be one of my lessons when you can choose to be The one and be the best lesson?
You said you won’t let go, didn’t you?
Where did all the I won’t leave you went?
All the I love yous are forgotten.
Didn’t you like the way my hair smells anymore?
Or the warmth of my hugs aren’t enough?
Am I a fool to believe in your promises?
The day you answered my questions helped a lot.
“I was so happy. Happy isn’t even enough to describe how much happiness I felt when I’m with you. It was like we’re in our own world when we’re together. Your grip on me removed my rationality and opened a door for my emotions. It was scary and exciting at the same time. But it was more frightening. I was losing my grip on reality for as long as I’m with you, I can just forget everything. You wanted more. You wanted me to be sure when this is all new to me. I was pressured. Isn’t what you want for me was to jump into the unknown and just take the risks? Isn’t I, being unsure but still readily dive into strangeness enough for you?”
It’s funny that you chose to believe in me this time. You recklessly jump into the unknown, thinking that everything is worth a chance. But the sad thing is, when you’re already near the peak of the journey, you decided that it isn’t worth your time and effort. So you impulsively removed all the reasons to continue and rashly left me hanging. And then I realized that you didn’t love me.
Because love is powerful.
Love is not naïve.
It doesn’t blind the eyes of the people, it opens every person’s hearts.
It’s scary but it’s wort it.
Love is frightening, for it can make you do things you can’t even imagine.
Love don’t just stay when it’s all fun and games.
It doesn’t waver after all those scars and pain.
Love is enduring all the heartaches.
Its sacrificing for the good of the other.
Love is bearable. It doesn’t give things up that easy.
But mostly, love is genuine.
That even when the person leaves, even when the person forgets, even when the person brings sorrow,
Love conquers it all.
For love is a gift for everybody.
It is for us to enjoy and nourish continuously.
Love never fades,
Especially when it’s real.
I choose the pain of loving you from afar while trying to get a hold of the memories we’ve shared,
than the pain of forgetting and moving on from all of it.
Maybe I was a fool to choose that path.
Because while I was busy loving you,
you were busy trying to forget about me.
While I was busy trying to make us work,
you were busy finding reasons to give us up.
While I was continuously loving you, trying to get a hold of everything we have,
You were continuously moving farther away from me.
It’s sad that we were never on the same page. We misunderstand each other often.
T H A N K Y O U & I’M SORRY
I enjoyed every moment I’ve spent with you.
From the comforting silence to the unending adventures.
We gave each other’s life a color that no one can ever replace.
Thank you for trying. I know it took so much from you to even try. But you did. It just happens that things don’t always work out the way we want them to be.
Thank you for supporting and believing in me. For trying to push me to do the things that I’m afraid to do. Because of you, I learned that I can.
Thank you for staying when I needed you the most. Even though you added up a bit on that suffering, still, you didn’t fail to open my eyes to the reality.
Thank you for touching my life for a small period of time. It means a lot to me. That once in my life, a guy like you have been a part of it.
I’m sorry for all of my shortcomings.
I’m sorry for pressuring and pushing you too hard.
I’m sorry for expecting and demanding things that you cannot give.
W H A T I F ?!?!?!?!?!
I always hear other people asking me how did us happened? And it’s funny that I, myself doesn’t even know how it happened. It happened so fast. I couldn’t keep track of the time. One moment we were just group mates, the next thing I know you’re one of the persons I cannot afford to lose.
You were cold. A guy who has a big and tough wall to avoid getting hurt. A guy who’s afraid taking risks and has always been thinking hard through his decisions. I don’t know if what I did to your life made it better or worse. But one thing I’m sure of, and glad that I did is that,
I made you happy. I made your eyes shine. And honestly, it is one of the best things in the world. Looking at those eyes that are now brightly smiling. I know that, right then and there, I made an impact in your life.
Even though I had to leave looking at those cold eyes again, I know someday, someone’s going to light it up again, and in that moment, she will never leave and will bother you for the rest of your life.I hope you’ll let her.
My whirlwind kind of story,
You have asked me once, if whom among the guys I’ve loved before is greater. And I have always answered you that it depends. It all depends to the intensity of love and the experiences we’ve had. But honestly, I really don’t know who’s who. I love in the same way, giving what I have and taking what it takes. But when it comes to you, I think through it all. I think about it first before doing anything. And maybe that’s why losing you hurts, because you were the
right one. A guy with a mixture of fantasy and reality. Funny that it’s like that when we’re together. Maybe I was too ready. And you were too afraid. We both let hysteria run into our system that’s why instead of being stronger together, we broke each other.
Whenever they ask me what’s the reason behind our break up, I don’t really know what to tell them. The easiest reason is, it’s complicated. and the next is, we wanted different things. But if we look closer, those reasons are vague to describe why we really broke up. There are still times that I wonder how and why did it happen. And it’s funny that I’m blaming time. That maybe, we were right for each other, and the love is real. But timing isn’t perfect.
Maybe if we meet after college, or when we finally got a hold of ourselves, maybe it’s a lot easier.
Maybe if we didn’t just take things fast, if we enjoyed the small things and time together, we would still be on the phone right now, talking about our plans for the future.
Sometimes, I still think about you. what would’ve happened if we’re still together?
Sometimes, I still imagine about the scenes that will never happen.
Because if we we’re still together right now,
You would be the one hearing all my rants about how stressful my Christmas vacay was or how irritating my father gets.
You would be the one hearing all the stories about visiting jez and the funny talks between the group.
You would be the first one to congratulate me for having a high score in our physics exam.
You would be the one that I will share a locker with.
The one who will laugh at me while I rant about how I hate frogs, while trying to dissect it.
You would be the one who will be mad at me for naming my frog, “ina”, which is the last 3 letters from your supposedly girl name.
You would be the one I’m spending my vacant hours with.
The one I spend my free days with.
And if we we’re still together right now, you would be the one editing this blog, criticizing my lame writings and giving alternatives about how to make it better.
You would be the one reading this first and this wouldn’t be as heartbreaking as it seems.
If we we’re still together,
I would be the one pushing you to maximize your voice when reporting, giving you smiles to keep you motivated.
I would be the one comforting you if you fail an exam.
I would be the one hugging you and telling you that everything’s going to be alright.
I would be the first one to hear all your stories.
And the only girl who experiences all your adventures with.
I would be the one to be with you when you eat breakfast.
Bring you towels when you forget them.
I would be the one keeping all your documents for you always forget it.
I would be the one hearing all your rants while I try to stop my small laughs because you were always like a kid when you’re ranting.
I would be the one who will spend milk tea and pizza dates with you.
Cuddling and holding hands anywhere we want.
And the list goes on.
I could spend my time writing about you but that would make life harder. We’re done and that’s it.
I just hope that someday,
When the weather is good enough,
When everything fell to the right places,
When we’ve figured out what we really want in our lives,
Maybe we could see each other,
Smile and tell each other the stories that happened when we’re both trying to find the right path.
And maybe in that time,
Maybe we could try again and succeed this time.
This is the last one, the end of the journey. For when I finish writing this, there is no turning back.
so… this is really it is,
This is me saying goodbye to all the memories we’ve had, to all the plans we’ve made, to all the laughter and tears and to all the adventures we’ve experienced and problems we’ve solved together.
This is me saying goodbye to the possibilities that we can still be.
This is me turning my back at you… again
This is me saying i love you so much for the last time.
I’m letting you go, love.
And I hope that happiness will reign in your heart, forever.
Sayonara, My Czarina.